


The Perfect Imperfect Family

by 14hpgirl19



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Babies, Baby SHIELD Team, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Found Families, Light Angst, Parent Melinda May, Parent Phil Coulson, Philinda Secret Santa, This Is Kinda Crack but Also Not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 08:24:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13290945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/14hpgirl19/pseuds/14hpgirl19
Summary: “May –”“Phil.”Phil sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Our team has been turned into kids. Babies, to be specific. Maybe ten months old? All five of them.”





	The Perfect Imperfect Family

**Author's Note:**

  * For [philindas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/philindas/gifts).



> This is my contribution to the 2017 Philinda Secret Santa exchange! I was lucky enough to write this for the wonderful philinda on Tumblr (philindas here on ao3), who gave me the prompt "babies." This is kind of a wild idea, but I couldn't get it out of my head and I ran with it. Hope you all enjoy!

“Say it again one more time,” said Melinda. “But slowly.”

“I’ve already said it twice.”

“I need you to say it again.”

“May –”

“ _Phil._ ”

Phil sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Our team has been turned into kids. Babies, to be specific. Maybe ten months old? All five of them.”

One of the aforementioned babies – Melinda was fairly certain it was Daisy – let out a wail. Melinda’s eye twitched in annoyance.

“How did this happen?”

Phil looked even more uneasy now. “That’s the thing. We don’t know. My guess is some kind of alien tech affected them, but the people most equipped to confirm that are… you know.”

Melinda forced herself to look at the five squalling babies – their team – sitting on the floor of the lab. Fitz and Simmons were, predictably, right next to each other, with Fitz constantly reaching a chubby hand out to Simmons. Mack and Elena were also close, Mack looking around at everything with either fear or interest. Melinda couldn’t tell. And Daisy was… trying to crawl away.

“Oh, no, you don’t,” Phil said, reaching down and picking her up. Daisy started crying in response, and Melinda had to rub her temples.

“This is great,” she said. “What are we supposed to do with five babies?”

“Take care of them?” Phil bounced Daisy gently in an attempt to get her to calm down. “They can’t exactly do it for themselves. And I don’t think anyone else around here would be willing to take them on.”

As if Melinda would let anyone else near her team. She wasn’t going to say that to Phil though, despite him probably already knowing.

“Do you know how to take care of a baby?” she asked. Elena had crawled over to her and was now tugging on her pant leg. Melinda hesitated for only a moment before lifting her up.

“Do I know how? I think so. Have I actually done it? No, can’t say I have.” Phil glanced down to where Mack had begun to cry. “But how hard can it be?”

Melinda glared at him from over Elena’s head.

* * *

 

Of course, because Phil said that, things proved to be very, very hard. Raising a baby or two at once was probably difficult enough, but managing _five_ was on a whole new level.

First of all, finding diapers in a secret spy base was impossible. No SHIELD agents had any children, which meant there were no baby supplies to be found. They had to send a very bemused Piper out to get everything, which led to many texts from her asking dozens of questions. Melinda nearly threw her phone in frustration because Daisy was still crying on and off and she had a feeling it was because of her diaper.

“This has to be the strangest thing that has ever happened to us,” Melinda declared once Piper had returned with overflowing shopping bags. She and Phil each held a diaper in their hands and had one squirming baby before them. She had Daisy and he had Fitz.

“You know, I think I have to agree with you.” Phil cocked his head, frowning a little. “This is very weird. Very, very weird.”

Melinda stared at Daisy, who stared back at her like she knew what they were saying. “Do you think they’re still themselves in their heads?”

“Hmm. Good question.” Phil leaned over Fitz. “Wave your hand if you know what’s going on.”

Fitz stared at him blankly.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Phil said, straightening. “That would’ve made a lot of things easier.”

“Maybe,” replied Melinda. “Though I don’t think it would have been fun waiting for baby Fitzsimmons to find a way to communicate everything to us.”

“Good point.” Phil took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. “Alright. Let’s do this.”

Melinda underestimated how difficult it would be to change Daisy’s diaper. Daisy kept kicking her little legs around, making it near impossible to get anything accomplished. To make it worse, she almost seemed _delighted_ at Melinda’s struggle.

“Daisy,” she said through gritted teeth. “Stay still, or I’ll move our training to five AM.”

“She can’t understand you,” Phil reminded her. In a sharp contrast from Melinda’s situation, Fitz was lying perfectly still for him, and he was already halfway through changing the diaper.

“Shut up.” She grabbed both of Daisy’s feet in one hand and looked right into her enormous eyes. “I know you want this diaper changed just as much as I do. Please, for the love of God, cooperate.”

Either Melinda had gotten through to her, or she just grew tired of teasing her, but finally Daisy stayed still. Melinda made quick work of her pants and soiled diaper, fastening the new diaper on with no issues.

“Nicely done,” Phil said. He cradled Fitz to his chest and smiled at the little boy in a way that made Melinda’s heart catch. “Three more to go.”

Melinda groaned.

* * *

 

The next challenge was feeding them. Piper provided them with a plethora of options, which in theory should have made things easier. In reality, the hardest part was figuring out what each baby liked.

“Mack doesn’t like peas,” said Phil, pointing from Mack to the jar of food in question. “Elena doesn’t like applesauce… but someone does. Who likes applesauce?”

“Simmons,” Melinda replied. They had strapped all five babies into highchairs in the kitchen and assembled all the jars of baby food Piper had bought. Unfortunately, the agent hadn’t remembered to get bibs, so the kids – with the exception of Simmons – had smeared food all over their clothes. Melinda was torn between thinking it was adorable and wanting to scream.

“Jemma likes applesauce,” Phil repeated. He picked up the jar of applesauce and carefully spooned a bit of it into her mouth. He did it with such an intense look of concentration, like he was diffusing a bomb. Melinda thought it showed how important this was to him, which was really quite sweet.

“You’re really good at this,” she said. He looked at her in surprise, smiling.

“Thanks. You’re doing really well yourself.”

Melinda snorted. “Elena cried the whole time I changed her diaper. I wouldn’t consider that a good thing.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Phil said. He set the applesauce down and turned more towards Melinda. “She’s a baby. Sometimes babies just want to cry regardless of what their parent is doing.”

Something in Melinda’s stomach flipped at the word “parent.” “Maybe. You didn’t have anyone crying on you though.”

“No,” he agreed. “But remember, Mack kicked me in the stomach.”

“Oh, I do. Probably always will.”

Phil smiled at that, and Melinda felt herself relax. He held out a hand to her, and she took it with no hesitation, something she was getting better and better at every day. Without looking away from her, Phil kissed the back of her hand. Melinda smiled.

Then Daisy began shrieking, effectively ruining the moment.

“What did we decide Daisy liked?” Melinda asked, regretfully dropping Phil’s hand. Phil surveyed the assorted jars.

“Carrots, I think.”

Melinda spotted the correct jar and picked it up. Getting a small amount on the spoon, she carefully guided the food into Daisy’s mouth. Daisy’s little lips worked for a moment before they puckered and spat out the food.

Directly onto Melinda.

“You know,” Phil said, “I think it was green beans. Daisy prefers green beans.”

Melinda could only glare at him.

* * *

 

After their diapers were changed and they were fed, Melinda and Phil were faced with a whole new problem: how to keep their teammates-turned-semi-children occupied until bedtime.

“What if we just had them take naps?” asked Melinda. “Babies need naps.”

“It’s already six,” Phil said. “If we have them take naps now, they won’t sleep.”

Melinda sighed and rubbed her temple. “Alright then. Piper got them toys, right?”

Phil peered into the four bags they hadn’t already ransacked in search of food and changing supplies. “She got them plenty of toys. More than enough.”

Miraculously, each baby picked a toy and became quite attached to it. Fitz clutched a stuffed monkey to his chest and gnawed on its ear. Simmons took a liking to the stuffed cat. Mack’s interest was drawn to the building blocks that he just scattered all over the rec area’s floor. Elena drove toy cars around in circles. A Moana doll – which took Phil ten minutes to get out of the box due to all its restraints – was firmly held in Daisy’s arms.

“They’re pretty cute,” Phil said. “Don’t you think?”

Melinda settled beside him on the couch and leaned her head against his shoulder. She knew without even looking that he was smiling. “As long as they’re not screaming or spitting food in my face, they’re adorable.”

Phil snaked an arm around her and pulled her closer. “Come on, Melinda. Admit that you’re enjoying yourself.”

She turned her face into his shoulder so she wouldn’t have to immediately respond. The truth was, she _was_ enjoying herself. As odd as it was to have their adult teammates be turned into babies, there was something about the whole situation that felt right. Their team was already like a family, and Melinda would be lying if she said she didn’t feel an intense need to protect the younger members. But more than that, motherhood was something she had always wanted. After everything she’d been through, everything that had turned her off the idea, she was finally getting a taste of it.

And she rather liked it.

Mack, in his excitement over the blocks, accidentally threw one out of his reach. Extracting himself from her, Phil slipped off the couch and knelt on the ground to pick it up. He held it out to Mack, to took it with clumsy fingers and smiled a tiny, barely there smile, the kind that babies did really well. Melinda’s chest ached.

“Yeah,” she said. “They’re really cute.”

* * *

 

Bedtime was an ordeal. While they were taking care of the babies, a few other agents assembled cribs for them. Melinda appreciated the effort until she saw where they had placed them.

“I suppose this will make listening for them easier,” Phil said, trying to be positive like always. Opposite their bed in their room stood five perfectly constructed cribs, each one outfitted with blankets and mattresses.

“You’re getting up with them first,” was all she said. It had no heat and no real threat. She would have no problem getting up in the middle of the night if someone needed her. In the back of her mind, she thought she remembered reading something about not getting up whenever your child cried at night, but in this situation, she figured it would be fine.

Fitz and Simmons were the easiest to put down. Or, they were the easiest once they figured out that the two babies didn’t want to be separated. Simmons cried whenever she was placed in a different crib than Fitz, so eventually Phil gave up and placed her with her best friend.

Mack was out like a light once Melinda laid him down. She smiled fondly and tucked a fuzzy blanket around him.

Elena and Daisy were the difficult ones, for they both had a lot of energy that seemed impossible for children of their size. Phil carried Daisy around, rubbing her back and murmuring to her while Melinda paced with Elena in her arms. Elena’s legs kept wiggling around, like she wanted to run. Frankly, Melinda would have let her if the girl knew how.

“I’ve got her,” Phil suddenly whispered. Sure enough, Daisy was snoozing in his arms, her head propped against his shoulder. He maneuvered her into the crib and exhaled in relief when she didn’t stir.

“Any ideas for this one?” Melinda asked, referring to the still-squirming Elena. Phil walked over and placed a hand on Elena’s back.

“Just talk to her,” he said. “It’ll calm her down.”

“That’s all?”

Phil looked at her and smiled. “That’s all.”

The thought made her a bit uncomfortable, and Phil knew it. He stepped closer and touched her shoulder. “It’ll be okay. You don’t have to say anything meaningful. She’ll just like the sound of your voice.”

Melinda sighed and adjusted her hold on Elena. And then she began to talk. At first she talked about the previous mission the team had gone on, but then somehow she drifted to the topic of her father and thus her childhood. She didn’t know where any of this was coming from, especially since she was so private, but it just poured out of her. Maybe it was because she knew Elena wasn’t really listening, or because she was more focused on Elena’s tiny breaths than the words coming out of her mouth. Regardless, she couldn’t stop.

At some point, Phil had sat down on their bed, watching silently with fond eyes. A tiny smile was curling his lips. He leaned back on his hands and watched his partner – in every sense of the word – ease their teammate to sleep.

“You’re a natural,” he said once Elena was tucked into her own crib. Melinda tore her eyes away from the sleeping baby to look at him.

“I wouldn’t say that,” she said, joining him on the bed. Phil took her hand and tugged her back so they were resting against the pillows. She nestled her head on his chest, and he looped an arm around her waist.

“I know you wouldn’t,” he said. “Which is why I did.”

Melinda blushed. “You’re such a sap.”

“And you still love me.”

“Don’t know how,” she said. He made an offended noise, and she rubbed his chest, right where his scar was, to take away the sting of her joke.

They were quiet for a long time, not sleeping but simply breathing. They’d turned the lights down low so it wouldn’t disturb the children. For the first time all day – possibly for the first time in a month – Melinda felt relaxed.

“You make a good dad,” she said before she could talk herself out of it. “You always have.”

She swore she felt Phil’s heart skip a beat. “Always have?”

“You know you’re like the dad of the team,” said Melinda. “You practically adopt everyone.”

“Do not.”

“Do too,” she insisted, feeling only a bit foolish. “And it makes this team better.”

A moment passed before he spoke again. “You think so?”

“I do. Not all of them had great parents growing up. You’re giving them something they missed out on.” She kissed his chest. “You’ve shown them love and compassion, given them support. You’re their father.”

“And you’re their mother.”

Melinda sucked in a breath. “Phil –”

“No,” he said firmly. His arm tightened around her waist. “You’re just as much of their parent as I am. I know Bahrain made you think you couldn’t be a parent, but nothing could erase that part of you. You’ve always been so caring. That hasn’t changed.”

When she blinked, she realized her eyes had become wet. She pressed closer to him, seeking his warmth and security. She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing. Silence fell once again, and neither made an attempt to lift it.

Melinda was on the verge of sleep when a cry pierced the air. She and Phil both sprang up, their reflexes trained to be ready at a moment’s notice.

“I’ve got it,” she said. She stood and walked to the cribs, quickly identifying which baby had woken up. It was Daisy, her tiny arms waving around in distress. Melinda bent over and scooped her up, cradling her to her chest.

“I’ve got you, baby girl,” she murmured. “It’s okay.”

It took a while, but Daisy eventually settled down once more. Melinda couldn’t help but wonder if Daisy had ever been treated this gently. Maybe at the very beginning, before Jiaying and Cal lost her and their minds. It still didn’t change that she had been deprived of it for most of her life. It gave Melinda a bit of peace to know she could take care of her now and give her what she’d been without.

She kissed Daisy’s head before placing her back in the crib. When she turned back around, Phil was smiling.

“See?” he said. “A natural mother.”

Melinda hid her own smile and rejoined him on the bed.

* * *

 

The team remained children for a week, and Melinda and Phil took care of them the whole time. Each day brought new lessons and discoveries. Elena didn’t like naptime. Mack didn’t like sharing. Fitz was a fussy eater. Simmons babbled constantly. Daisy liked to test her guardians by seeing how far she could crawl before someone would grab her.

It was a workout, caring for five children at once, but somehow Melinda and Phil pulled it off. Daisy developed a strong attachment to Melinda, while Fitz had one with Phil. One night, Fitz wouldn’t calm down unless Phil cuddled with him in bed. She wouldn’t show them to anyone, but Melinda took several pictures of them. She couldn’t resist.

All the while, their scientists had been working on developing a method to turning the team back into adults. Every day they made more progress, though Melinda almost wished they wouldn’t. She knew it was selfish, because they were really meant to be adults and their contributions to SHIELD were invaluable. But she couldn’t deny now much she had enjoyed being their mother, and how much she would miss them.

By the end of the week, the scientists had figured out how to do it. Melinda and Phil brought the babies down to the lab and handed them over. There was a pang in her chest when she let go of Daisy and stepped outside with Phil.

“We knew this would happen,” he said, watching the scientists as they began the procedure. “This was only temporary.”

Melinda nodded. There was a growing uneasiness in her stomach, and she had to turn away from the window. Phil took her hand.

“Let’s go sit somewhere else,” he said.

* * *

 

The procedure was a success. They had adult teammates once again. And while there was a sense of relief amongst them all, there was some sadness too.

The first night of them all being restored to their proper ages, they found Phil and Melinda sitting together on the couch in the rec area. The two senior agents exchanged curious looks as they lined up before them.

“Hey,” Daisy said. “We, uh, just wanted to thank you for… you know.”

“For watching our asses,” Elena said. Daisy smothered a snort.

“For taking care of us,” Simmons supplied, shooting Elena a look. “You went above and beyond, and we really appreciate it.”

Melinda noticed Fitz was still holding his monkey. “It means a lot to us,” he said, looking to Phil with a hint of shyness. Phil nodded to him, and Fitz smiled.

“Apparently I’m the only one who thinks it’s really weird,” Mack said. “Which I guess isn’t all that surprising. Still, though, thanks.”

Phil smiled warmly. “It was our pleasure. You’re our family. We’ll always take care of you.”

He looked at Melinda, clearly hoping she’d say something too. Melinda swallowed the bit of nausea she felt and looked at her team – her children.

“We love you,” she said simply.

That was apparently all it took to get Daisy to rush over and hug her tightly. Melinda stiffened, then relaxed and hugged her back.

“We love you too,” Daisy whispered.

* * *

 

A week later, they would discover that the nausea Melinda had begun to experience wasn’t a typical illness.

Nine months later, the base would once again have a need for cribs and diapers and toys.

Melinda and Phil were overjoyed to be parents again, and their five children were thrilled to be older siblings.


End file.
